Tender Curiosity

I don’t want to write too much about first year since there are too many details, but one thing I am going to say is that I have become more self-aware. I’m starting to know my limits. I’m starting to get comfortable with knowing what I want instead of just being real flimsy all the time. I’m starting to be more confident about my decisions…and more importantly, taking responsibility for them when I fail. Overall, I learned a lot. I can’t say that I had that amazing first year that everyone expected, but at the same time, I think I’m starting to realize I’m just different from everyone. I just have to accept this fact. I mean, not in a special way, but I think there are still nights where I doubt who I am because it’s not like everyone else. I think there’s still some confidence that needs to be built around that area. I’ve changed as a person definitely and am extremely happy with the progress in this aspect. I would have to say that my academics (besides chemistry) were definitely a highlight as I took classes that changed the way how I think. I’m forever grateful for this. And I’m still working on the social part of college— I think I still need to find that niche. I’ve had great times and all, but there are some days when I feel so numb and empty and I get into existential crisis mode at parties. I’m still trying to figure who I want to surround myself with and how to be a good friend. As exciting as it is to know more about myself, I want to make it a goal to be a little less self-involved next semester. I’m so sick of trying to figure out who I am and what I want that I think I just need to go for it and see what happens because that’s when I’ll really know who I am. Maybe I need to stop figuring out who I am so much and rather learn how to care for others, how to be selfless. It’s important to know what you believe in and what your standards are, but at the same time, I want to be learn how to be more caring— I want to think more about others at the same time. 

So first year, you were alright. I don’t think I’ll be thinking of you in the future though to be honest. I’ve got better times to have, better people to be with, and more things to learn. And this is why I’m excited for third semester. Although this first year wasn’t memorable, I would say this was a great first step in feeling more alive and self-aware. And for that, I am grateful.

I want to become more visual. Not in that I want to see more things, but to interpret more of the things I see, to let them rock my very core. It’s true that we live in the world of the surface— of the screens, of the glossy magazine pages, of billboards, and signs. And we all kind of just sit there taking it all in, feeling empty inside. So why do I want to join that surface? It may be misconstrued as superficial, but I want to look at the surface in a different way, back to its origins where people expressed themselves by the way they dressed or dyed their hair or whatever.

I want to start paying attention to how I look. Not in an approving sort of way. But in the way I want to. I want to look like my thoughts, my dreams, my inspirations, etc. I don’t know if maybe I say this is because I go to a school in which many people look nice and look alike, but the surface that they are all presenting may have triggered a thought in me (along with this class that I took). It may have something to do with resistance and how in a world where everything’s a copy of a copy, to resist something is something of value. I think one of the ways I’ve been so attracted to the idea of changing “my surface” is not so much the appearance or being trendy, but the act of resistance, of wearing what I want regardless of the rules. I want to fit into a piece of clothing and feel right in it instead of just settling. I mean, we don’t walk around being naked day to day, so you might as well push the practicalities of clothing and present yourself making a statement, whatever that is.

But I understand that this can morph itself into a consumerist monster, that I may just focus on the things. I’ve never been one to get attached to physical objects, but it sounds strange…I think I may want to. In an identifiable way.  Does this mean I should start buying more things? I don’t think so. I think I should start buying more things that will last me a long time, pieces that I really love. It sounds silly that I am trying to forge a relationship with a “thing” especially since I was exposed to a lot of Marx’s ideas, but it’s true…there’s a little gleefulness in wearing something that makes us feel good about ourselves. I think this is what the surface should be used for, but not to a point where it’s overloaded and things become our source of happiness. I want to be comfortable in my image in a way that makes it clear who I am…or maybe makes it unclear as to who I am. I want my image to provoke a thought. And at other times, I just want to learn how to better present myself visually. I want to have the guts to wear my Converse shoes with that my long, black skirt and rock it. I want to wear red lipstick because I think it can make you powerful. I want to paint my nails white because it’s odd and eye-catching….and I saw Sturtevant do it, so I want to try it. So yeah, there is still a “copy of a copy” thing going one, but I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I want to have free reign over my appearance. I want to use visual imagery to stimulate thoughts within me (and maybe others if it has that effect) instead of just mindlessly consuming what we see. I want to decorate the walls of my room, even though I said this last year and failed at doing so; maybe if I don’t decorate it again, I’m just not meant to be the artsy person I want to be. Or maybe surrounding myself with art is something I need to be doing. That’s how I felt after this class. Because there are some things in art that are not easily presentable in real life, not easily recognized or mentioned. Right now, I’m really stimulated by the idea that there is no just “real” and the “not real”, but a space in between called surrealism where anything can happen. This is how I want to feel when I surround myself in visuals and this is how I want to interpret them…and I think that’s my ultimate endeavor here. I want the images to evoke something in me, which is why I think I’ve been obsessing over shopping lists lately, room decorating tips, etc. I want to be the emancipated spectator.  

-late night run to McDonalds

-Adderall (which was actually a very underwhelming first time)

-the crazy friend who says everything on her mind and could probably have her own tv show (she inspires me and I want to dedicate a post to her someday because she’s awesome)

-never ending repeats of Beyonce and Andre 3000’s Back to Black cover

-apathy

-regrets

-oh so many regrets

I am done with life bye